from school to home, 1 mile.

So, first of all let me just state that it is 5 am and I've been up 2 hours AND I even took a ride on the blue wave (tylenol pm) last night. Beyond irritating.

The first day of school was great. The kids were excited to go to their new school and I was ecstatic that their new school is only a mile away. Last November, we moved from the center of Edmond and I absolutely loved their teachers, so I choose to drive them back and forth across town. I averaged over 60 miles per day. Needless to say, I was ready for this year to start knowing that I didn't have to be a kid taxi.

I was really hoping that the bus would come to our house despite it only being a literal mile. They have a law on that, you know. I think you have to be 1.8 miles, but the bus dude said that they don't follow that, so I crossed my fingers that I would receive a call telling me that my kids would be bus riders.

I didn't get the call by the end of the first day, so I went to pick them up. I decided to go about 15 minutes early to try to avoid a little of the chaos. Yeah right. Because they don't have a side entrance from our neighborhood, I had to go to the front of the school. I needed to turn left but I couldn't. A u-turn seemed out of the question as well since it is a busy narrow 2-lane street. There were cars lined up going the opposite direction, but I couldn't tell if they were in line for the school as there was a man (dressed in a white polo and khakis) standing in the middle of the road attempting to help with traffic. I slowly drive up to him with my left blinker and mouthing to him that I needed to get into the line. Apparently he is a horrible mouth reader (Sidenote: I'm pretty dadgum good at it, so be careful what you say around me!!!) and thought that I wanted to turn left into the parking lot. I made a u-turn using the parking lot and got in line.

Wrong. I need to come up with a name for him. Let's see.... Wild Bill. So Wild Bill came up to me and was like "Ma'am you need to move. You can't cut." It was so bizarre to hear a 50+ year old man griping about cutting. I'm not sure I've said that since the water fountain in 4th grade.

"I couldn't turn left and I didn't think that I could make a u-turn."

"Well, you need to get to the back of the line. There is no cutting."

There it was again, so I responded with a "and you are?"
My mouth, I swear. Things pop out without me realizing where they are going.

"I work for Deer Creek."

He didn't have on any official nametag or shirt or anything, so how was I supposed to know?

"Well, good. You don't bus to us and we live a mile away. There is no side entrance, no left turn lane, and no way to make a u-turn. How am I supposed to get to the school that is so close and convenient to my house? Drive 3 miles out of the way?"

"I don't know how you are going to get there, but you need to get to the back of the line."

GRRR. So, I began the process of a massive u-turn and I stop in the middle of the road.

"Uh, sir, where is the line?"

"It is right after that car."

That would be the car directly behind me to which I responded out of the open window,
"HAHAHA!! What a jerk!!!"

So, the car moved into my spot and I moved into his. About this time, Wild Bill got on his phone. Later a sheriff pulled up. I figure Wild Bill didn't think that I would be the last psycho mom of the day. He needed backup. What is up with men and their backup lately?

I called the bus people the second day and I was informed that bus 7 would be picking up the kids at 8:19 and bringing them home at 3:50. YEAH! I picked them up since they didn't know to get on the bus and I decided to just park and get out of the car. I didn't want to deal with Wild Bill. I was home by 3:50 and everything was great.

The third day, we got up early and went to the corner since the bus was to come at 8:19. The corner is not quite at the end of our cul-de-sac, so the kids have to stand on the empty lot or the street as there are not sidewalks yet. It was raining ridiculously, but the kids were dying to take the bus. So, I drove them to the corner and we sat in the car and waited...and waited...and waited. Finally at 8:37, I bore the bad news that I would have to drive them, since school starts at 8:45. With sobbing and whining behind me, I start to move the car only to see the bus coming. So, they got on the bus for the first time. EXCITING!!

What is crazy to me is that we were not the last stop. Apparently they went to 2 more neighborhoods. What sense does that make?

Anyway, I had a lovely day full of nothingness and at 3:45, I set up my perch in the front room, angling the chair just right to see out of the window to the corner. No bus. No bus. No bus. So I started thinking. (I hate when I do that. My thinking also gets me in trouble.) I just knew that the kids had forgotten to get on the bus and were standing out front waiting for me. I got into the car and drove the one mile to the school. I didn't see them, but I did see bus 7. It was not loaded or even loading. The time was 4:05. Okay, so I think that they were off on their 3:50 estimated arrival time. I drove back home and got back into my perch.

After looking out of the window every 14 seconds and looking at fb every 10 seconds, I saw the bus. It was 5:00. I went outside to try to help the kids get across the street. BTW, I'm not a paranoid mom, they really don't pay attention a lot, so I have to help them out.

But no kids get out and the bus keeps moving. It goes up to the next cul-de-sac and I think, "Do I have to go get them?"

Again, my kids do not get out. The bus leaves. WHAT IN THE WORLD? WHERE ARE MY KIDS?????

I start freaking out and wonder if I am going to have to chase down a bus. About that time, it pulls up to the corner for the second time, and there are my babies!
They loved riding the bus and want to do it every day, but I'm not sure my heart can take it. I'm not sure why it took them 1 hour and 15 minutes to get from school to home as it is only 1 mile.
Ridiculous.

I haven't decided what tomorrow looks like yet. Maybe I'll just call the bus and get all Sha-Mandy on them! :)

MY MORTIFICATION

I think that my face could still possibly be red from my mortification today. I'll just tell you that it ends up with a sweet little baby crying from the horror that is me.

Okay. I will be using false names to protect the identity of innocent people.
The last name I will be using for these people is Horsefeather. It has a little something something doesn't it? Ah, horsefeathers! I regress.

I worked this week at First Pres doing childcare for the teachers that are doing training. I saw the name of a new teacher and wondered if she is related to any of the people that I know by the same last name. At the end of the day, I stopped her and I said,

"Hey. I know a ton of 'Horsefeathers'. Are you related to any of them?"

Mrs. Horsefeather
"I sure I am."

"I went to college with an Andy and a Jason Horsefeather. Do you know them?"

"Yes, they are my husband's uncle's cousin's nephews." Or something like that. "We have huge family reunions with all of the Horsefeathers."

"Oh. I knew some in Tahlequah too."

"That is where a lot of my husband's family is from."

Me:
"I totally had a huge crush on Kent in high school."

Mrs. Horsefeather:
"That is my HUSBAND."

"AHHHH!!!" Guffaw. Bright red. Laugh. Guffaw some more. Hands cover face.....

About that time, sweet baby Sam in her arms starts screaming. I have scared this poor little baby. Kent's poor little baby.

I am now trying to get out of this completely awkward situation.

"Yeah I went to church camp in high school with him and Joe and Bob..."

"He loved camp! What is your name?"

"Um, no. I'm not telling you my name."

Ring Ring. Mrs. Horsefeather's phone rings. She answers and looks at me,

"Hey. He's here in the building."

"AHHHH!" Laugh. Guffaw.

Then I ran away. Seriously, what would I say to him.
"Uh, hi. I liked you 15 years ago. So, anyway, I made your baby cry and freaked out your wife. Talk to you later!"

So, I didn't. I ran away.
That is how mature women do things.

Mall security altercation

Last night a few of my friends got together for GNO.
Let me give you a brief description of these women. We are 34 and up with 2-3 children each and desperate for a night away with grown ups.
Obviously, we are law breakers and up to no good.

After our movie, we walked to our cars and started talking. It had been awhile, so we had a lot of catching up to do. It was about midnight, so the mall was closed, but movies were still letting out so there were tons of cars in the parking lot.

A few minutes later, a mall cop, who we later named Paul Blart, drives up next to us and says,

" Uh, ladies, the mall is closed."

Right. We are all good patrons of the mall and fully realize that it is closed. So, we said what every normal woman would say, which was "Right."

He drives off and we continue talking. We notice that he has driven to the next row and is staring at us. The ladies with me are a wee bit more confident than me and proceed to say that Paul just wanted to say hello to us, to have the opportunity to check us out.

We see him start driving towards us again. Now, keep in mind - there are tons of cars, people coming out of the movies, and a cop car not too far from us.

"Uh, ladies, it's about that time."

Okay. As he's driving to his special "look out" spot, we start making fun of him.

"Time for what?" We decide that is what we will ask if he comes back again, which of course he does just moments later.

This time, he exerts his power. You know, he probably did have a really tough baton/stick in his belt holster.

"Uh, ladies, I've already asked you once. You need to leave."

"Why?" we asked.

"It is mall policy that people have to leave after the mall is closed."

We had many comment. Like:
"We're paying customers and we just came out of the movies."
"The theater is still open."
"We're just talking, not causing any problems."
"Blah, blah, blah."

Paul then picks up his CB radio and calls for backup. You know, we were rowdy and were potential criminals. We all rolled our eyes and our rebellious spirits rose. We would've probably left at that moment. It was getting late for a bunch of old ladies! But no, we took the challenge of the backup guard.

"I'm sending someone out here to explain it to you."
My favorite quote of the evening was made around this time by my good friend.
"Do you patrol the entire mall or just these two rows?" HAHA!

Good. Go ahead. He stayed parked there staring at us while we talked some more to one another. Since Paul was creepily looking at us, we continued talking behind his car.
We said goodbye and headed to our cars, which ours was right behind Paul's car.
About that time, backup arrived. Paul got out of his car, crossed his arms, and puffed out his scrawny 25 year old chest. Powerful is the only word to describe this impressive man.

Backup:
"What is going here?"

Me:
"We haven't seen one another in awhile and we're talking."

"It is mall policy that you leave when the mall is closed."

"Right. I didn't realize that it was such a massive deal to talk in the mall parking lot."

"Oh no, it isn't."

"Sure looks like a big deal with him outside of his car with his arms over his chest and calling for backup. Seems like it is a BIG deal."

"No maam, it isn't. It is just mall policy....."

"Alright. Good grief."

So, we get into the car and get ready to obey mall policy. Then, I got to say something VERY fun.

The security guards were standing by their car, talking. I leaned out of the window,

"Are you going to move your car, so we can LEAVE?????"

Talk that Paul and your backup buddy!

BTW, everyone is invited to a tailgate party next Monday night at midnight in front of JC Penney's! Good times!