Friday, August 21, 2009

from school to home, 1 mile.

So, first of all let me just state that it is 5 am and I've been up 2 hours AND I even took a ride on the blue wave (tylenol pm) last night. Beyond irritating.

The first day of school was great. The kids were excited to go to their new school and I was ecstatic that their new school is only a mile away. Last November, we moved from the center of Edmond and I absolutely loved their teachers, so I choose to drive them back and forth across town. I averaged over 60 miles per day. Needless to say, I was ready for this year to start knowing that I didn't have to be a kid taxi.

I was really hoping that the bus would come to our house despite it only being a literal mile. They have a law on that, you know. I think you have to be 1.8 miles, but the bus dude said that they don't follow that, so I crossed my fingers that I would receive a call telling me that my kids would be bus riders.

I didn't get the call by the end of the first day, so I went to pick them up. I decided to go about 15 minutes early to try to avoid a little of the chaos. Yeah right. Because they don't have a side entrance from our neighborhood, I had to go to the front of the school. I needed to turn left but I couldn't. A u-turn seemed out of the question as well since it is a busy narrow 2-lane street. There were cars lined up going the opposite direction, but I couldn't tell if they were in line for the school as there was a man (dressed in a white polo and khakis) standing in the middle of the road attempting to help with traffic. I slowly drive up to him with my left blinker and mouthing to him that I needed to get into the line. Apparently he is a horrible mouth reader (Sidenote: I'm pretty dadgum good at it, so be careful what you say around me!!!) and thought that I wanted to turn left into the parking lot. I made a u-turn using the parking lot and got in line.

Wrong. I need to come up with a name for him. Let's see.... Wild Bill. So Wild Bill came up to me and was like "Ma'am you need to move. You can't cut." It was so bizarre to hear a 50+ year old man griping about cutting. I'm not sure I've said that since the water fountain in 4th grade.

"I couldn't turn left and I didn't think that I could make a u-turn."

"Well, you need to get to the back of the line. There is no cutting."

There it was again, so I responded with a "and you are?"
My mouth, I swear. Things pop out without me realizing where they are going.

"I work for Deer Creek."

He didn't have on any official nametag or shirt or anything, so how was I supposed to know?

"Well, good. You don't bus to us and we live a mile away. There is no side entrance, no left turn lane, and no way to make a u-turn. How am I supposed to get to the school that is so close and convenient to my house? Drive 3 miles out of the way?"

"I don't know how you are going to get there, but you need to get to the back of the line."

GRRR. So, I began the process of a massive u-turn and I stop in the middle of the road.

"Uh, sir, where is the line?"

"It is right after that car."

That would be the car directly behind me to which I responded out of the open window,
"HAHAHA!! What a jerk!!!"

So, the car moved into my spot and I moved into his. About this time, Wild Bill got on his phone. Later a sheriff pulled up. I figure Wild Bill didn't think that I would be the last psycho mom of the day. He needed backup. What is up with men and their backup lately?

I called the bus people the second day and I was informed that bus 7 would be picking up the kids at 8:19 and bringing them home at 3:50. YEAH! I picked them up since they didn't know to get on the bus and I decided to just park and get out of the car. I didn't want to deal with Wild Bill. I was home by 3:50 and everything was great.

The third day, we got up early and went to the corner since the bus was to come at 8:19. The corner is not quite at the end of our cul-de-sac, so the kids have to stand on the empty lot or the street as there are not sidewalks yet. It was raining ridiculously, but the kids were dying to take the bus. So, I drove them to the corner and we sat in the car and waited...and waited...and waited. Finally at 8:37, I bore the bad news that I would have to drive them, since school starts at 8:45. With sobbing and whining behind me, I start to move the car only to see the bus coming. So, they got on the bus for the first time. EXCITING!!

What is crazy to me is that we were not the last stop. Apparently they went to 2 more neighborhoods. What sense does that make?

Anyway, I had a lovely day full of nothingness and at 3:45, I set up my perch in the front room, angling the chair just right to see out of the window to the corner. No bus. No bus. No bus. So I started thinking. (I hate when I do that. My thinking also gets me in trouble.) I just knew that the kids had forgotten to get on the bus and were standing out front waiting for me. I got into the car and drove the one mile to the school. I didn't see them, but I did see bus 7. It was not loaded or even loading. The time was 4:05. Okay, so I think that they were off on their 3:50 estimated arrival time. I drove back home and got back into my perch.

After looking out of the window every 14 seconds and looking at fb every 10 seconds, I saw the bus. It was 5:00. I went outside to try to help the kids get across the street. BTW, I'm not a paranoid mom, they really don't pay attention a lot, so I have to help them out.

But no kids get out and the bus keeps moving. It goes up to the next cul-de-sac and I think, "Do I have to go get them?"

Again, my kids do not get out. The bus leaves. WHAT IN THE WORLD? WHERE ARE MY KIDS?????

I start freaking out and wonder if I am going to have to chase down a bus. About that time, it pulls up to the corner for the second time, and there are my babies!
They loved riding the bus and want to do it every day, but I'm not sure my heart can take it. I'm not sure why it took them 1 hour and 15 minutes to get from school to home as it is only 1 mile.

I haven't decided what tomorrow looks like yet. Maybe I'll just call the bus and get all Sha-Mandy on them! :)

Friday, August 14, 2009


I think that my face could still possibly be red from my mortification today. I'll just tell you that it ends up with a sweet little baby crying from the horror that is me.

Okay. I will be using false names to protect the identity of innocent people.
The last name I will be using for these people is Horsefeather. It has a little something something doesn't it? Ah, horsefeathers! I regress.

I worked this week at First Pres doing childcare for the teachers that are doing training. I saw the name of a new teacher and wondered if she is related to any of the people that I know by the same last name. At the end of the day, I stopped her and I said,

"Hey. I know a ton of 'Horsefeathers'. Are you related to any of them?"

Mrs. Horsefeather
"I sure I am."

"I went to college with an Andy and a Jason Horsefeather. Do you know them?"

"Yes, they are my husband's uncle's cousin's nephews." Or something like that. "We have huge family reunions with all of the Horsefeathers."

"Oh. I knew some in Tahlequah too."

"That is where a lot of my husband's family is from."

"I totally had a huge crush on Kent in high school."

Mrs. Horsefeather:
"That is my HUSBAND."

"AHHHH!!!" Guffaw. Bright red. Laugh. Guffaw some more. Hands cover face.....

About that time, sweet baby Sam in her arms starts screaming. I have scared this poor little baby. Kent's poor little baby.

I am now trying to get out of this completely awkward situation.

"Yeah I went to church camp in high school with him and Joe and Bob..."

"He loved camp! What is your name?"

"Um, no. I'm not telling you my name."

Ring Ring. Mrs. Horsefeather's phone rings. She answers and looks at me,

"Hey. He's here in the building."

"AHHHH!" Laugh. Guffaw.

Then I ran away. Seriously, what would I say to him.
"Uh, hi. I liked you 15 years ago. So, anyway, I made your baby cry and freaked out your wife. Talk to you later!"

So, I didn't. I ran away.
That is how mature women do things.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Mall security altercation

Last night a few of my friends got together for GNO.
Let me give you a brief description of these women. We are 34 and up with 2-3 children each and desperate for a night away with grown ups.
Obviously, we are law breakers and up to no good.

After our movie, we walked to our cars and started talking. It had been awhile, so we had a lot of catching up to do. It was about midnight, so the mall was closed, but movies were still letting out so there were tons of cars in the parking lot.

A few minutes later, a mall cop, who we later named Paul Blart, drives up next to us and says,

" Uh, ladies, the mall is closed."

Right. We are all good patrons of the mall and fully realize that it is closed. So, we said what every normal woman would say, which was "Right."

He drives off and we continue talking. We notice that he has driven to the next row and is staring at us. The ladies with me are a wee bit more confident than me and proceed to say that Paul just wanted to say hello to us, to have the opportunity to check us out.

We see him start driving towards us again. Now, keep in mind - there are tons of cars, people coming out of the movies, and a cop car not too far from us.

"Uh, ladies, it's about that time."

Okay. As he's driving to his special "look out" spot, we start making fun of him.

"Time for what?" We decide that is what we will ask if he comes back again, which of course he does just moments later.

This time, he exerts his power. You know, he probably did have a really tough baton/stick in his belt holster.

"Uh, ladies, I've already asked you once. You need to leave."

"Why?" we asked.

"It is mall policy that people have to leave after the mall is closed."

We had many comment. Like:
"We're paying customers and we just came out of the movies."
"The theater is still open."
"We're just talking, not causing any problems."
"Blah, blah, blah."

Paul then picks up his CB radio and calls for backup. You know, we were rowdy and were potential criminals. We all rolled our eyes and our rebellious spirits rose. We would've probably left at that moment. It was getting late for a bunch of old ladies! But no, we took the challenge of the backup guard.

"I'm sending someone out here to explain it to you."
My favorite quote of the evening was made around this time by my good friend.
"Do you patrol the entire mall or just these two rows?" HAHA!

Good. Go ahead. He stayed parked there staring at us while we talked some more to one another. Since Paul was creepily looking at us, we continued talking behind his car.
We said goodbye and headed to our cars, which ours was right behind Paul's car.
About that time, backup arrived. Paul got out of his car, crossed his arms, and puffed out his scrawny 25 year old chest. Powerful is the only word to describe this impressive man.

"What is going here?"

"We haven't seen one another in awhile and we're talking."

"It is mall policy that you leave when the mall is closed."

"Right. I didn't realize that it was such a massive deal to talk in the mall parking lot."

"Oh no, it isn't."

"Sure looks like a big deal with him outside of his car with his arms over his chest and calling for backup. Seems like it is a BIG deal."

"No maam, it isn't. It is just mall policy....."

"Alright. Good grief."

So, we get into the car and get ready to obey mall policy. Then, I got to say something VERY fun.

The security guards were standing by their car, talking. I leaned out of the window,

"Are you going to move your car, so we can LEAVE?????"

Talk that Paul and your backup buddy!

BTW, everyone is invited to a tailgate party next Monday night at midnight in front of JC Penney's! Good times!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I am ridiculous.

So this blog will be short and sweet. Well, not really sweet, more like something you thought tasted okay at first and then you swallow and it tastes funky. Yeah, that's it.

I am ridiculous. Here are 3 reasons why:

1. I lost my keys at the mall. Who does that? I had to call Todd at Army drill to get him to save the day. After going back to each of the 3 stores several times, the saleslady said that someone turned them in after finding them in a stack of clothes. In case you want to know, the finding of the keys took place as Todd was parking at the mall. Oops.

2. I wore my shirt inside out to church. No more explanation needed.

3. I am the absolute worst at lyrics of songs. My latest catastrophe was on the song Ride Like the Wind by Christopher Cross. (Yes, I had to look up who sings it. I'm ridiculous, but not that ridiculous.) Anyway, Todd busted me singing "blame it on the corners of Mexico as I ride like the wind". He just looked at me and said "There are no corners of Mexico." I still don't know the correct lyrics. Whatever.

That is it. Headed to my room where I am doing the opposite of nesting. I just go in and turn off the lights and pretend it is nice and clean. Ahhhh...the sweet smell of denial....and procrastination.....and laziness.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


First of all, let me start with the fact that I feel totally grateful that these are the dramas of my life. I have many friends going through serious, difficult times and I don't want to leave the impression that I am really devastated by any of this. It is more humorous to me actually.

My day started with me rushing to meet my mom for my doctors appointment. After Ava said "You're going to pee in that cup?" with amazing amounts of mortification during the last appointment, I decided kids are not allowed to go with me. Ava has mentioned the pee incident numerous times. She did not find hearing the baby's heartbeat or seeing the doctor that delivered her memorable, just me peeing in a cup.
My mom wasn't there when they called me in and the kids had to go with me. This threw me off. I had to pee in the cup and I have no idea how but I missed like 98% of it. This threw me off. I made AJ call Grandmommy and left my purse in the hallway with him. This threw me off. By the time I had my blood pressure taken, I just looked at her with a nervous smile. Not too high. The nurse and later my doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, so they had to bring in an ultrasound machine.

Now, this didn't throw me off. In fact, I thought PERFECT. I had my ultrasound a week ago to find out "the gender" to quote my 8 year old and they said girl. Now I'm not convinced. Here it is.
This is a shot looking at the baby like you are changing a diaper.
Legs in the air at eye level.
Because there is a lack of something between the legs, they said girl.
My thought is "or a future unhappy 15 year old boy".

I added this one just for fun.
I call this "Renesme" my sweet vampire pig.
Look closely and you will see vampire teeth and a snout.
Baby is looking up with skull to the left and body to the right.

Anyway, back to my story. So, I am excited about the ultrasound. I had a plan before going to the doctor - concern about low placenta, maybe some pains,... and while she was doing it, say "while you're looking, will you make sure it is still a girl?" I'm a planner. It is what I do.
Before I could say ANYTHING at all, she looked at me and said "We're only looking for a heartbeat." Okay, dang. Baby is great, fine, wonderful and still possibly a girl.

OH! For those that read the last blog, you will LOVE this. I asked about the Vs and she said that they have something that will help. Wait for it...

Fembrace Support Garments for Vulvar Varicosities
I didn't make this up, I swear!

Does this look like a cross between a jock strap and chastity belt or is it just me?
For those interested in purchasing one, they come in white and black!
Bad news, they cost $69.95, but the V brace is covered by most insurance plans.

Also, while I was there, my mother-in-law called to update me on my sister-in-law's labor. My mom answered because, as you know, AJ had my phone in the hallway. Apparently, they played with my phone awhile. More on that later.

I leave the doctor office.

"Yes, I peed in a cup, Ava."

I rush off to the grocery store to buy a few items to make dinner for a family from my church. Then off to the pharmacy to pick up meds for this nasty cough going around. BTW, coughing while pregnant with a 3rd child equals wet pants. My doctor just looked at me funny when I asked if there was anything I can do about that. I would NOT be having a no-pants day at the OB.

Once home, I am surprised that no one has called me about my nephew. When I look, I realized I missed the call 30 minutes earlier! Great. How rude is that. My ringer was turned off. So not my fault. Baby nephew healthy!

My plan, since I am a planner as you know, was to quickly make dinner within the hour, deliver it, then go to the hospital. I made 50% of the meal, then a storm blew through. I do mean blew. It was crazy strong. My first reaction was to look out front at AJ's most valuable possession - his basketball goal. Sure enough, it was down. Then the electricity went out.
My plan is not going so well. There is no way that any of it is going to happen. What I left out is when the goal fell, it fell into the driveway - directly behind my car. The goal weighs like 500 pounds, I'm pregnant and my husband is gone for Army drill for another week.

I'm trapped. No dinner for the family, peanut butter and apples for supper for us (Do NOT open that fridge!!), house is getting hot, kids want to see the new cousin, and I can't do anything about any of it. So, I sat. I figured that was the only plan I could see actually coming to fruition.

A mere hour later, the electricity was back on and I had my neighbor move the goal.

The family did not get the food. I assumed they had probably eaten by this point.
The kids and I went to see the new baby. I got to watch So You Think You Can Dance.
All in all, it was a good day.

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Okay. So I have had several people want a complete rundown of yesterday's events.
Here it is.

It started out great. The kids fed and entertained themselves and I chilled out. While I was chitting and chatting with my BFF, Ava came into the room and said,

"Would you take a picture of my new fabulous hairstyle?"

I looked at her - purple boa around her neck, fancy dress, high heels, and wet hair - and thought nothing of it. That is my girl, always up to something. So, I said,

"I will in just a minute."

Fast forward a few minutes later, Ava comes in again and says,

"I cut some more. Will you take my picture now?"

She then took the boa off and I saw her "fablious" hairstyle.

Apparently, she had decided that she wanted short hair.
This is the location of the great hair debacle.

It was actually pretty cute from the front, but where she couldn't reach was rough!

Someone referred to it as a "way fashionable mullet."

Okay. Thinking about my day and my options, I tell her to get on her cheer clinic clothes. (I know. I didn't think I would have a daughter in cheer either. I actually paid for that crap. Luckily, she said it was boring. At least the first day.) Because cheer started in an hour and I had to feed, dress, get her hair cut, and take AJ to Grandmommy's , we headed out the door.

I had no idea where to take her. I wanted cheap. She wanted the kid haircut place. Seriously, I'm going to let her have fun and get a prize for that kind of behavior.
So, we went to a hair school thinking that it would be cheap.
When there, the hairdresser (Let's call her Noah, because apparently she is good with God's creatures and she really helped save my world.) starts to spray her hair and talk to Ava about what she wanted. I'm pretty sure she could tell with Ava's own styling but whatever.
As Noah is parting and brushing Ava's hair, I see something small and brown and round on the skin over her ear. Is that???? EWWW.
Ava has a tick on her head. I wasn't sure what to do. We only had a little bit of time until cheer and I really needed her hair cut. I thought if I brought it to her attention, Noah wouldn't cut. But Noah was Noah, and she wasn't scared of a nasty little tick. She did need to go check with her teacher to make sure that she was allowed. MORTIFYING. I called Grandma, the only person I could think of able to come and help me get that sucker off of her head. She was on her way!

Noah went ahead and cut her hair. Grandma came and got it off of her. (She swears by turning counter clockwise, then pinching its head off when it is detached.) Off we went to grab lunch, drop AJ off, then cheer.

Everyone thought it was hysterical at cheer. Cute new haircut. Thanks.
For those of you that know me, I think cheerleaders are stupid and slutty. Now this is an generality, not all of them are stupid. HAHA. No, I had some friends in high school that were cheerleaders and were awesome. Some of my bias about the sluttiness comes from the fact that 2 out of 12 got pregnant my senior year. Maybe I'm exaggerating. It is just what I remember. Anyhow, my daughter is in a clinic to see if she likes it. I'm just giving her options. Apparently, it is the one good mom thing I did yesterday, because haircuts and ticks were not. Here are some pictures.

Go team. Boo.

I've been told she is the flyer.
Her tiney hiney is the one on top.

Off to the grocery store. 2 hours, sore feet, the v's (Go to the bottom to find out what these are. Warning! Not pretty) over $200 worth of groceries later, I was ready to go home. I have everything I need so that I don't have to go to the store while Todd is gone to drill for 2 weeks.

I put all of the groceries away, took an after picture, and swept the Ava hair mess.

It looks cute, I know. Don't encourage her though.
It was her bright idea to hold her hair.

As I was cleaning up, I realized that she must have cut her hair with the boa on.
I think she used it as her guide to having evenly cut hair in the front.
Doesn't it look red? Strange.

DISCLAIMER: This contains TMI, too much information!

The v's are vericose veins of the vulva. I was told when I was pregnant with Ava that it would get worse with each pregnancy. This time it is here with a vengeance. Basically, every time I walk too much, lift my legs to roll over in bed or get into the SUV, or any other leg movement, I am in agony. Pull a Barbie doll leg off. The location where the leg meets the biz is where the pain is. Fun to experience.

Okay. Back to my story. I am ready for the day to be over. Family is fed. I'm in my comfy pants and my bra has been shot across the room. I go to the bathroom, so happy to be getting ready for bed, then.... you guessed it. No toilet the entire house. Seriously????

So today I get to go to the grocery store again. Jealous?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

dead car, nice house, and a life lesson

Okay, so as you soon read, my life, and thus my blog, revolves around my children.
Today started with running late to basketball camp. We ran to the car --


Finally, we're all in and I go to start the car. Nothing. Nada. Dead. Great! So, I start making calls. My father-in-law comes to the rescue but not before my 8 year old is weeping like a baby. I'm pretty sure I didn't say what I was thinking, which was, "Seriously. Shut your whining pie hole." I'm a much better mom than that. So, I think it probably went more like, "Seriously. Shut your whining cake hole." Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. We made it to camp 30 minutes late and all was well.

A little later, my sweet 5 year old, who is a wee bit like her mommy, came in with a paper. She looked at it and said,
"6814. That's the number."
"Of what?"
"The number of the nice house. It has a pool, lots of gamerooms, and the kitchen has hot and cold water."
"What are you talking about?"
"The nice house for us I saw on TV."
I walked in her room to see what show she was watching. That's right. It was the Go Scout Homes channel. That girl...
Guess it is better than the time she came in asking for a Nuvaring pool in the backyard.

I try to be a good mom, but I fail most of the time. Today, I let them try all of the icy flavors at 7-11 and they could pick out any drink they wanted.
"Are you sure?"
"Are you sure that you're sure?"
We walk out with 2 Dr. Pepper icies. By the time we reached the house, they both decided that they didn't like them. So, trying to teach them a little lesson, I said,
"You both owe me a dollar."
Off they skipped to their rooms and brought back a dollar. I offered them their dollar back if they would drink some of what they picked out. My son responded,
"No, it's fine. You can have it. It's only 1 dollar. I have lots more." My daughter nodded her head in agreement.
I'm pretty sure that they learned their lesson. I feel really good about it.